Today is the day I start living the life I've always wanted and stop living the life I've always felt obligated to pursue.
Yesterday (for anyone who hasn't heard) is the day I lost my job. Not just any job - but my "DREAM JOB". Or so I thought.
I've had an interesting career path - music, ministry, administrative service to ministries, hospice care, volunteer coordination, marketing, executive director, senior care, assisted living - you can probably see a thread of connection running through there. Very appreciative of all of them. But none of them were ever what I really wanted to do with my life.
I wanted to be a housewife. A wife, a mom, a grandma, a volunteer at church, a Bible study leader, a hostess, an encourager, a student of The Word, a cook and provider of funeral dinners, someone who always showed up when another was sick, or grieving, or discouraged, or in pain.
My "career" has allowed me to do some of all of those. It's even helped me develop some skill in a few. But it has also always trapped me in someone else's mission, someone else's objectives and time frame. And I have missed some golden opportunities because of it. And have always carried some regret. No more.
Today I begin the life that God has for me. Whatever that is. Doesn't mean I won't accept another job somewhere - there are still bills to pay. But instead of running around frantically looking for the next thing and pursuing whatever will ease the pain the quickest, the plan is to wait. To step out of the boat. If I walk, then I walk. And if I sink, then I will cry out - just like Peter in Matthew 14 - "Lord, save me!" and I know that He will respond - just like he did for Peter - "And Jesus stretched out his hand and took hold of him."
Truly, that's all I've ever wanted in life. For the Lord to "take hold" of me. And he has . . . in many times and many places. But this is the big one - I am stepping out of the boat -100% committed. Sink or swim - I'm his. I take that back. It's no longer "sink or swim". It walk on the waves and grab hold of the hand that reaches to take hold of me.
What will that look like? I don't know in entirety yet. I know what some of what it will look like. I know it will involve wearing more dog slobbers than suits. I know it will involve hospitality and being an encourager and cooking and loving people.
It will take resolve - which is why I'm committing to it here, in writing.
I resolve to let my husband lead as God leads him and to let him carry the "weight" of provision; follow his direction in what I should do and be. His helpmate.
I resolve to be a better grandma . . . and mother-in-law . . . and sister . . . and friend.
I resolve to be a creative cook and friend to those who need a meal and a listening ear.
I resolve to write something every day.
To practice my knitting or spinning at least a little every day. To work on my husband's business as he directs.
And I resolve to spend more time with my dogs and with God's glorious creation than I do being entertained by the world.
God will fill in the rest of the blanks. And I will wait on his lead and his timing. It's not my job to figure this all out. It's his.
It struck me as I was reading the good news in Matthew that when Jesus invited Peter to step out of the boat he didn't run around asking others, "Why do you think he wants me to get out of the boat?" "Would you do it?" "Does anyone know how far we are from shore?" "Am I fit enough?" "Do we have any life preservers in case something goes awry?" Nothing. Jesus said, "Come."
And Peter stepped out of the boat.
People always talk about Peter as if he were impetuous. I prefer to think of him as having great faith. Not perfect faith or perfect responses to everything. But he LOVED Jesus and he trusted him. I love Jesus and I trust him. Some days I trust more than others. Some days I disappoint him. But,oh, how I love him. And I'm learning more and more that he loves me.
So, here I am walking on the waves.
I'm excited about it. My heart is in my throat and my stomach is doing flip-flops. But I'm doing it. I'm walking ON TOP OF WAVES - quick someone take a picture!
There's a really big wave coming. Bills to pay at the first of the month. But Jesus has hold of my hand and we're doing this. We're actually doing this. We're walking . . . on top of waves! Beyond cool.
Waves are salty. Sometimes they well up and spill out of my eyes. But I wipe them away with one hand and hold tighter to the loves of my life. My husband. And my friend, Jesus. A husband to us all. "Lord, save me!"
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